Monday, October 29, 2007

An American in Paris...err...London

What follows is an absolute cornucopia of ignorance and non tolerance, the writer is a well known idiot in many circles throughout the midwest. Please read with caution if you choose to proceed.

"What the fuck? The NFL in London, England? You have to be fucking kidding me" This is a direct quote taken from myself last week when I realized that the event was finally going to happen over the weekend. First off, let me say...this absolutely sickens me. It is a slippery slope here my friends, and it is all part of the good commissioners plan to make the NFL a global commodity. Teams from everywhere and games everywhere. Give me a Goddamn break.

First off let's start with England. They were and are a great ally to this country as far as wars go, and we thank them by backing their global campaigns as well. However, this is AMERICAN football, a sport that is surely the second if not becoming are preeminent national pastime. Especially in England where the game of cricket (yes thats right cricket) is a favorite of locals, they drink tea and eat crumpets, they gave us: Simon Cowell (who may have been one of the worst dictators in the history of the world if he had been born in any of the previous centuries), the Spice Girls, and of course David Beckham...who they conveniently dumped on the U.S. David Beckham is damaged goods and yet I am forced to see this wash up on adidas commercials almost daily.

In England, the most revered sport is their football which of course in this country is referred to as soccer. Watching soccer is like a mixture of watching the grass grow and your Uncle Ned tell his favorite stories of boyhood while growing up on the banks of the Mississippi River. In this country, soccer is played until you are about the age of 7 or 8. At that point you realize one of two things: (1) you are ready to commit yourself to a life of heterosexuality or (2) other sports exist. I'll admit it, I played roughly 4 glorious years of soccer and then an amazing thing happened...I discovered football and basketball...two sports grinded out in American playgrounds all over. Ask yourself, when was the last time you witnessed children playing a pick up game of soccer. I am not willing to share one of my favorite sports with a country who will label it as a second form of football. If any of you are willing to do so...I ask that you promptly renounce your citizenship and seek refuge in another country.

Now, to the slippery slope argument. No sport is seriously considering giving Vegas a team, and there are many other deserving American cities that could use an NFL team before we go abroad. First London...then what. How about Tijuana, when I go to visit I can bang a hooker, catch a donkey show, do some blow thats been cut roughly between 13-14 times, and then maybe catch my beloved Browns take on the Tijuana Banditos...and if we win, maybe leave the stadium with a butterfly knife sticking out of my throat. Or maybe we can go even further abroad. How about trading for that wonderful receiver El Hami Ramel Ketal Khaminjiad from the Pakistani squad? It will be a cold day in hell when I tune in to watch the Super Bowl live from the banks of the Nile in Cairo, Egypt at 5:30 a.m. on a monday morning.

While on the subject I am still angry that we commissioned MLB and NBA teams in Canada. I have met several Canadians through going to Bowling Green and playing online poker. Most of them are quick to tell me that they have a problem with U.S. foreign policy, and that we are cowboys. Damn right I am a fucking cowboy, like a Dallas Cowboy not a Winnipeg Cowyboy, like Yankee Doodle fucking Dandee riding on his pony not Sasketchawan Sam riding on his Moose. Why give these countries a chance to embrace something we hold so sacred that they may in fact reject? I understand from the media that London had a fairly good turn out for the Dolphins-Giants but there is a simple answer to is is like the first time you ever ate Greek food, or the first time you spanked it to transsexual Indian Porno (Williams...) after a few times you go back to a good old hamburger or a little It is not b/c you are mot willing to try new things, but it is because it whats you know, what you are used to, a custom, you love it.

The U.S. already sticks our nose into enough problems that we don't need to (and we are ultimately resented for it). Why create another failure (see NFL Europe) that never needs to happen? Let's keep the
NFL where it belongs: in the United States of America...and while we are at it build a gigantic wall around the whole country so we don't "oppress" our values on others and reduce the chance of absorbing values from another country.

Hows that for the melting pot theory? Hey, I am a ham and cheese kind of guy.

This is not the views of this blog. It is a paid advertisement for drunken and vicodin fueled ramblings. The Wire takes no responsibility for the views of this post or any other post in the future that may contain similar theories. This is pure satire...although to some it may seem like a fountain of wisdom.


John Miceli said...

When did Ted Nugent start writing for our blog?

MayorMichaelWhite said...

Hahahaha, not Ted Nugent...just a someone who doesn't want to see the NFL go abroad

I know everyone on here...except may I ask, who the hell is John Miceli?

Bob Petriella said...

The statement about Las Vegas never recieving serious consideration for a pro sports team is very false. There was just a huge story on the news about this very topic. In 2004 Bud Selig had the Expos new home narrowed down to two cities; Las Vegas and Washington DC, obviously DC was chosen. And now with this new arena set to open in 2010, it is said Mayor Goodman, on a weekly basis speaks with the NBA and David Stern about a franchise here, since SacTown shot down a new arena proposal the Maloofs will more than likely move the Kings here. The only sport that has never considered a move to Las Vegas would be the NFL and Im guessing it will never happen.

MayorMichaelWhite said...

Dear Vegas Vic:

Allow me to apologize...all I was trying to convey was that Vegas doesnt have a team and I went a little overboard.

P.S. Shouldnt you be studying?

P.S.S. If you arent studying maybe you should focus on not sucking ass in this years Turkey Bowl.

Nick Ricchino said...

Seriously though..... like our economy is doing so well right now that we can afford to send one of our highest grossing products over seas. And there has even been talk about playing a Super Bowl over seas. Yeah, because I'm sure the struggling economy of Detroit didn't benefit last year from all the extra revenue brought in by hosting the greatest event in sports. Nice Goodell.

P.S. Miceli is another aspiring lawyer on this blog who is a direct decendent of the Jeran family and a second cousin of mine once removed on my mother's side.

P.S.S. TURKEY BOWL?!?!?!?..... time to get my ass on the treadmill.